Reframing
How we cope so we can find joy
Hello, friends,
I’ve long felt that writing is the area of my life where I have things figured out the most. I am patient. I accept uncertainty. I successfully weather the storms of rejection. Sometimes I’ve wished I could apply the mindset I have with writing to other areas of my life, or I’ve wondered why I find it easier to have this mindset with writing when it’s more of a challenge in other areas.
Last weekend, something Elise said brought this idea to mind. We were talking about the regatta. I had wondered how they would handle how their team performed—they didn’t advance past their qualifying timed trial or heat. Granted, this was a lot of the girls’ first regatta, and the team focused on the fact that at least they beat their rival school (and the boat didn’t tip over!), but still, I wasn’t sure if Elise would have feelings they needed to work through.
That night after we got home, they told me there was a moment during the day when they were inclined to be sad about not advancing in the races, but they decided not to be. They were proud of their team and looking ahead to the next regatta.
And it made me wonder: for any of us who choose an activity with uncertainty, with competition and/or rejection, do we have to find a way to reframe the disappointment in order to keep doing it? Is this the way we cope?
I’ve certainly had my ways of spinning manuscript rejections into something positive. For a while, I high-fived Shawn every time I got a rejection, as a way of celebrating the fact that I had put myself and my work out there again. Eventually, I chose to believe that I would be published one day, because if I believed that, then it necessarily meant that it would take X rejections before I got my “yes,” so then each rejection brought me one step closer (X-1) to my dream coming true.
When I talked about this with Elise, I commended them for having a positive mindset, because I know it will serve them well, both in rowing and in life. (This isn’t to say we shouldn’t feel our feelings—I’m an equally big proponent of letting ourselves feel sad when we suffer disappointments. But feeling sad and then moving on with a positive attitude is different from wallowing in the sadness or letting the disappointment make us question our self-worth.) I told them I was happy they were able to not let the disappointment of the day get them down, because being able to withstand the losses will make it easier for them to continue to feel the joy they’ve experienced with rowing.
If the things we love involve some hardship, it’s important we find a way to bounce back. It’s too easy for our passion to get dimmed if we focus on the negatives. Especially now, with two books out in the world, I’m grateful I didn’t give up. But I’m even more grateful that I found a way to enjoy the journey, even when the outcome was uncertain.
Warmly,
Brie
P.S. In what areas have you had to find a way to reframe setbacks in order to continue to experience joy?
Everyday is a reframe for me. GREAT post and thank you for sharing about Elise and her latest regatta experience.
Another golf story which directly feeds into my experience of reframing. Every. Single. Play or even practice. The game is so complex it is WAY MORE mental than physical. We're taught to "let things go" after a bad drive or a less than stellar putt. We're advised to "shake it off" and keep in mind, you're playing with three others watching and it's PRESSURE. The classy players will quickly tell you no one cares about your score, your game but you - let's face it, everyone watches so yes, it matters. I've been playing for four years now and I am getting better about letting a bad swing go. I USED to take everyone down with me. :) #typicalScorpio Now, I'm finding it powerful to just let it roll. We played a couple of years ago in New Albany with a guy who said, "There will always be another bad ball. Let it go." I loved this analogy as he just encouraged me to not get worked up about what didn't go right that ONE time.
There's something to be said when you just go for it to see what happens. I'm not a competitive person. I can't tell you my score because I do not track it. I LOVE to scramble when you partner with someone and you work to get that ball in that can as a team - you play from whoever hit the best shot. How lovely is that? Collaboration, fun, NO SCORE just make it in as set for that hole. 5 swings to make par AND you have a buddy helping you? THE BEST as you're a team from the get-go.
As I continue to build my confidence, I find I worry less and focus on more fun. Truly my fav current hobby.⛳️